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Patron:
Prof. Germaine Greer

©CARA 2008
Updated: June 22, 2008

Disclosing Childhood Sexual Abuse

reporting sexual abuse to the authorities

Abuser's Techniques

Some callers will have disclosed their abuse to others before they speak to us, but many women tell us things, which they have never told anyone before. For a woman who has tried to disclose her abuse before, but been ignored or disbelieved, talking to you may be the first time her experiences are taken seriously. This will usually have a profound impact, and will be very emotional for you and for her. It is important to remember how significant it is that you answer the telephone ready to believe the caller, prepared to respond non judgementally to her story and sufficiently self aware to manage your own feelings during and after the call – remember that your are not alone, you are part of a team.

There are many reasons why a woman decides to ring the Line at a particular time. Sometimes long buried memories will surface after giving birth to a child, or a TV programme may cause someone to address memories they had been trying to ignore. Alternatively, someone may phone having been attacked recently and that attack may act as the trigger for remembering earlier assaults/abuse, for confronting a childhood abuser, or for attempting to put an end to ongoing abuse. A caller may ring with the explicit intention of discussing childhood abuse, or she may ring to discuss something different and disclose the abuse over time. Whatever the reasons behind the call, there is always going to be a degree of fear and uncertainty in disclosing the abuse, and the caller will need to be sure that we are not going to betray her trust.

The fear of remembered terror is often present – memories of abuse can be very strong, flashbacks usually feel like reliving the events. It is important, therefore, for the woman to feel as safe as possible during phone calls, if she wants to be able to remember. Many survivors have developed ways of keeping all this fear under wraps in order to be able to function in life it is an enormous step for a caller to let herself remember, and many will be frightened to let go of that control. If you have carried around a big secret for many years or decades, it will be a scary unknown to begin to talk about that secret. Remember all survivors are individuals, and some will take many phone calls to feel able to let out their feelings out whilst others will only ring us when they are ready to do this. Others will never talk to us about their feelings and may find ways to live their lives without ever doing so. It is not our job to make someone talk about their past – our role is to make the calls a safe place to do this if the caller wants to, and to support her in finding ways to cope with the after effects.

The after effects may be things that happen during a telephone call, so it is worth thinking about ways to support someone having a panic attack or flashback, for example. Very often, you will hear how frightened or panicky someone has become – you may not know why, because it may not have been triggered by the immediate conversation – and you will need to stay calm to help them through it. It usually helps to encourage the caller to focus on her breathing – panic and terror often cause hyperventilation, and regaining control over breathing will help the caller calm down. Try and get her to breathe slowly and deeply – you may find you have to keep telling someone to breathe at all, as some people hold their breath in panic. In extreme cases, hyperventilation can lead to loss of consciousness. Someone passing out while they are talking to you is distressing, but you can keep talking to her and she will probably feel reassured by hearing your voice when she comes round. Ideally someone who has passed out should seek medical advice, but we can only suggest this – many callers have no desire to talk to ‘professionals’ about what they are going through.

Breathing exercises can be done by the caller when she is alone too, and relaxation tapes might help her regain calm if she gets flashbacks or panic attacks when alone. It is also worth exploring the idea of a mantra – a word or phrase simply repeated until she regains a sense of calm. Exercises such as this are usually good for reminding a caller that she can have control – even if it seems to be over small things. If you can learn to control a panic attack, then you can probably learn to control other aspects of your life too.

Music sometimes helps too. Some women get strength from powerful, loud songs about fighting back; others prefer gentle music, which can soothe feelings. Different kinds of music will serve different purposes for different moods or personalities. Alternatively callers sometimes find that letting out their creative instincts is a good way of dealing with some of their feelings. They might learn to play a musical instrument, or start to paint or draw. Many survivors find that writing things down helps. This might simply be a case of scrawling angry words on scraps of paper, or full-blown poems might be laboured over. Sometimes it can help to describe on paper something that has happened to you, or the way that event made you feel – you might use words or pictures. The end result could then be dept, destroyed or sent into us. Most of our regular callers have sent us something written or drawn at some point. Sometimes these can form the basis for counselling work done in the next phone call, or they are just filed away – it depends on what the caller wants to do.

Most of us have some kind of resource for making ourselves feel better, and we can sometimes help callers find things that work for them, if they have not already done so. Again, it is important to remember that callers are individuals and different strategies work for different people and situations. You might find a long, hot soak in a bubble bath the best form of relaxation, but the caller you are talking to may have always been abused at bath time. You might relax by cooking a fabulous meal for yourself, but the caller may remember violent attacks in the kitchen, or may be anorexic. You might find strength in your religious faith; the caller might have been abused by a vicar or a priest. You might wind down after a bad day with a large glass or red wine, and the caller may be an alcoholic. Being sensitive and open minded is crucial; the caller speaking to you may only be able to find calm by getting stoned, having drunken sex with a stranger or by ‘cutting up’. These are also coping strategies, and need alternatives to be in place if the caller wishes to stop relying on them.

Survivors of childhood abuse who are disclosing are usually terrified of losing control – of secret, of their memories, of their emotions. We cannot know what the consequences of their remembering will be, but we can demonstrate to callers that we believe what they are telling us, and we can validate their feelings by giving them time and a safe place to talk them over if they feel able to. We are often asked whether or not it is ‘normal’ to feel a certain way, and the short answer is always “yes” because different people feel differently about even similar experiences. We cannot make promises that everyone else will believe them too, nor can we guarantee that their abuser will ever be brought to justice – we can simply try and support the caller in believing in herself and living with her memories.

Our service is very limited so we cannot be there for our callers as much as we would sometimes like. Some callers have established support networks, maybe including friends, families, counsellors and specialist agencies – and we are only part of that network. For many callers, we are their only form of support; sometimes a woman is so isolated because of her abuse and its consequences that we are pretty much the only people she speaks to; in other cases, the caller has kept her secret from everyone in her life, and we are the only outlet for discussing it or the way it makes her feel. With these callers, we can work towards expanding their options for support, but as trust takes a long time to build up, this can usually only be a long-term goal. Helping callers who only get to speak about their abuse once or twice a week to find their own ways of gaining control over memories and lives is therefore a crucial part of what we do.

Time boundaries are especially important when taking a ‘remembering’ or panicky call, because the caller will have to deal with the aftermath on her own when she hangs up. You need to be aware of the time so as to leave enough space to wind down the call gently, so that the caller can come back to the ‘here and now’ gradually – remember she might have to go and make dinner for her own children, or she may be sitting at home frightened of the next visit from her abuser. Whatever her situation, it is a good idea to have discussed coping strategies – you cannot stop her if all she wants to do after the phone call is burn herself with cigarettes, but you can provide her with ideas which might, over time, start to seem worth trying instead of self harm.

Remember that you also need looking after a call. Talk about how you feel to the person on Line with you, and remember to call your mentor if you need to talk over things more. Attendances at fortnightly Line meeting and supervision give you further opportunities to discuss the work you have done and how it leaves you feeling – never bottle your feelings up.

Reporting sexual abuse to the authorities
Many survivors do not want to report their abuse to the authorities. The police will not take action in allegations of abuse unless they have a statement from the person being abused- this includes cases of child abuse which have carried on into adulthood.

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Abuser's Techniques
Abusers are clever and manipulative – paedophiles often talk about ‘grooming’ children for abuse, that is, training them to be abused without resisting or telling. The techniques used by abusers have long-term impacts upon their victims – everyone who survives abuse does so through coping mechanisms, some of which are self-destructive. It is not our place to judge a woman for the coping mechanisms she has chosen – they have, after all, kept her alive this far. The reasons for many of the survival strategies often lie in the way the abuse was perpetrated.

	The abuser says the abuse was a punishment, making the child feel bad/evil and worthless.
	The abuser says the abuse is a special kind of love, making the child feel different and special
	The abuser threatens to kill a pet if the child discloses.
	The abuser tells the child her mother will hate her if she says anything about the abuse.
	The abuser encourages the child to collude in keeping secrets, e.g. 'Don't tell your Mum I gave you these sweets', so that she feels trapped into silence when the abuse begins.

As a child gets older, they will often experience increasing guilt about the abuse. This is partly because they know more about the world and become more aware that the abuse is not ‘normal’. It can also be because the power gap between them and adults decreases as they get older – theoretically they have more power, and might feel that they should be more able to stop the abuse happening. If the abuse continues as they get older, the guilt at this perceived failure can be very disempowering. It is important (and sometimes very difficult) in supporting a woman to try and find a balance between emphasising that the abuse is not her fault, and emphasising that she is not powerless to change her life. This is especially true when supporting women living with ongoing abuse.

Although there is increasing evidence of abuse by women, and we do sometimes get callers whose abusers were female, the vast majority of child abuse is perpetrated by men – especially fathers and brothers.

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Artwork by Joss